Nightmares really do come true, they already have
by factis
Summary: How did I let this happen to me. Why do we insist on looking, when our every impulse tells us to look away. Maybe its because we all have something to hide. That thing we bury down deep. I guess we are secretly hoping to see that the monster inside each of us, is inside us all. There it is! Look hard enough, you will see it. You will be seen...
1. Prologe

He did it again..huh... I hate this, I really do hate it. The moment when I start to pick myself back up from the floor and i start to get over him, he does this... Why? Why torture me? Arent I suffered enough, because of him. And Once again I find myself dreaming about him. I just wanna slap myself, to just shake him off of me. Everytime he does this, I just wanna scream, in his face. Please just stop torturing me. Why does he have to say those things and make me a believer again.

The thing is those moments in that day, were like in the third place from everything he has done to me or said to me. This scares me, he scares me that he has this kind of power over me. He fucking complimented me again... twice. Dont get me wrong, I love that he says those things and I love his attention more than anything in the world. But I know I am going to suffer later, when he is gone or worse I see his beautiful perfect girlfriend. I just... I don't know anymore what to do, I really don't.

I can't sleep, i cant eat, i cant breathe without seeing him in my mind and repeating his words over and over again. Why am I doing this to myself when I know that me and him is never ever going to happen, that is a fact. A hard cold fact. But I still try to say to myself that maybe... maybe... maybe. Fuck maybe! Just my mind and heart should STOP, stop with the maybe´s and speculations. This is making it worse much worse.

I can't breathe... I just want him to myself... I want other people to disappear. So me and him could just be. Please... I have to stop thinking... Is someone out there who could stop this, please. Its eating me alive and i don't know how much longer i can take this. I really don't. Please help me.. Please..


	2. Chapter 1

_Its been one year since Edward left me and now that I survived that heartbreak, I can proudly say that I am pretty much okay. Sometimes my mind wanders back to him, but I can breathe under the memories and i am proud. But now I have messed myself into another trap... Damon. Well you see i moved to Mystic Falls after everything happened and i got to know everyone here. Soon after my arrival I found out about their origins. They are different kind of vampires, you see. Strange world we live in. The biggest problem in my life right now is that after Elena became a vampire she has been together with Damon. I get it she is perfect, she is beautiful and charming. Something I will never be. I have to accept being Damons friend. Dont get me wrong we are good friends, but i want, NEED more. It seems that me and Stefan are in the same hole. I feel sorry for Stefan and I would do anything that Elena would go back together with Stefan. So maybe then I´ll have a chance. _

I put down my diary and sighed, while looking around in my house. Always when I´m here in my house I feel lonely. Of course maybe its because no one is here, but still. I heard a telephone vibrate on my kitchen table. My heart skipped a beat... What if its Damon. I hurried down to the kitchen and it was him. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down. „Hello, Damon" I answered the phone nervously, right away I started pacing around, because I just cant stand still.

„Well hello there Bella!"

I held my breath. „Yes?" I felt him smirking on the other side of the phone. „How are you?" asked Damon carelessly.

„Good" I replied, why on earth I sound so stupid always, when he is near me.

„Thats good to hear, Bella. You know I thought about you today and wanted to ask whether you are free today?" My heart sank to my stomach. He thought about me. Stop it Bella!

„Y-yes I am free, what did you have in mind?"

„Well how about shopping?"

„Shopping?" I laughed. Damon wants to go shopping with me? Hahaha, well well. Let me think about it.. Who am i kidding of course I would run to him, if I have an oppurtunity.

„Of course I would come Damon"

„I will pick you up then" he said and ended the phone call. Breathe Bella. I run to my closet. What on earth I would wear. I looked at my clothes and scowlded.

„ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" nothing to wear, of course. Story of my life. Finally I found some black jeans and a jean jacket. Good enough.

I put quickly my make-up on and started waiting for Damon.

...

I am still waiting... Nervously I looked in the mirror over and over again. And then my heart stopped, i heard a car stopping in front of my door.

I practically ran towards Damon. And when I started walking towards car I felt a stab in my chest. Elena was also in the car right next to him. Elena was absolutely beautiful. I only thought of my jealousy when I climbed to the back seat.

„Hey guys!" I put on my best IDONTCARE mask and started small talk with them. As it turns out we came to the store because Elena wanted to go shopping. Awesome, just awesome.

When Elena started looking for clothes I waited outside with Damon. Both didnt feel like shopping. In fact I hated it.

„You have beautiful eyes"

I held my breath. I didnt dare to say anything.

„ You know Bella, every boy will run after you, if you start using your eyes right."

I was furious, how dare he, make me feel the butterflies in my stomach. How dare he say those things to me. I was boiling inside, but smiled at him. It took every ounce of my willpower not to start crying of anger. Well I just wanna murder him right now. Why is he doing this to me again and again and again. And I just let it happen. What is wrong with me. He let me know yet again that he can manipulate with me. I hate him, I want to wipe of his smirk. God why does he have to do this to me. What the hell is his problem. Thats why i feel shitty, thats why i wanna cry right now, thats why i want him to prove wrong. I dont want him to think that he has power over me, I want him to feel what i feel. I want him to feel WEAK. I want our roles to change. I hate that he makes me feel like this. I HATE IT. MAKE IT STOP! And now I know I am going to think only of that for the rest of the day. Thank you, thank you very fucking much. And now my mood is 100% ruined, I am angry at everyone, upset. He did it. Again. And once again it shows how much power he has over me.

I was fuming, we didnt say anything after that, because Elena wanted to show a dress she wanted to buy. She is perfect like always, makes me wanna puke. She makes me uncomfortable, so so uncomfortable. Maybe its beacause I wanna be fucking perfect like her. Makes me sick.

„Its nice Elena" I said quietly while the storm went on and on in my head.


	3. Chapter 2

After yesterdays mental breakdown, I felt ashamed. I am brutally beating myself over and over again with things I have no control over. I feel like I am killing my soul one day at a time. And all I could think about is: Sorry about yesterday.

Yesterday was a bit overwhelming. But I managed to get over it surprisingly quickly, maybe its just because I pushed all those thoughts on the back of my head. It doesn't work every time but for now, I am okay. Today I can breathe. No thanks to him, but today im okay. As okay as i will ever be. Just fine...

My phone ringing brought me out of my thoughts. Again the flutter in my heart betrayed that I am not completely capable to push my feelings and thoughts about Damon down at the bottom.

To my surprise the caller ID read STEFAN.

„Hey Stefan, whats wrong"

„Nothing is wrong why do you think that. You are paranoid you know that right."

„Well, perhaps I agree with you on this one. So.. Whats up?"

„Are you coming today?"

„Today? Oh.. Yes, I forgot. Today is the annual Mystic Grill barbeque party. Of course!"

„So.. are you coming?"

„Stefan... Not again. You have to stop this torture. You cant do this to yourself over and over again. She chose Damon. And showing up under her eyes doesn't change that fact. And I am not your wingman."

„Please, Bella.." I sighed. He is ruined just like me it seems. All I can think about is doing the same thing. Going to the party and lust over Damon from the other side of the room. And at least I don't look pathetic when Stefan is with me. He is watching Elena and I am watching Damon.

I havent told Stefan about my feelings yet. I am terrified to tell about these feelings even to myself.

„Yes, okay, I am coming. Lets meet there then."

„Thank you" and after that he hang up. I sighed again, I know this is a bad idea, but I cant help myself.

I changed my clothes and walked over to the party. From the distance I saw everyone enjoying themselves. I felt so jealous. I just want to be happy too. Funny thing about being single is that you only see couples everywhere and you wonder do they pity you. This line of thinking makes me feel even worse.

As I arrived, I saw Damon and of course beautiful Elena standing next to him. Everytime I see them it twists the knife in my heart deeper and deeper. As Damon saw me he waved and with a hand gesture he invited me to join them. I smiled and mouthed „not now". And I walked further away from them. I was numb, I tried to avoid him. Not because I regained my mind, but because with that action I tried to get his attention, i need him to come to me. Not the other way around!

I found a corner where I could look at them. And I realized we don't fit, we just don't match, we are not synchronized. We are different, but in some ways we are exactly the same.

„Bella!" I jumped up from my seat and realized Stefan was trying to get my attention.

„Sorry I was just.. Thinking.."

Stefan sighed „Elena looks good, doesnt she?"

„Of course she does" After that sentence we stayed silent both watching their loved ones from afar.

After a few minutes Stefan went away for a while. God knows where, maybe to find a Cupid and beat him up for mixing up the arrows. I smiled sadly at myself. God, I´m pathetic. It seems I obsess over love, over life, over every lost cause.

And at last Damon was noticing me standing alone in the corner and he started to make his way to me. I panicked, what do I say, how can I make him obsess over me. And all I could do was play a sad and troubled young woman. Yep, I am really pathetic. Trying to get his attention by being mysteriously sad. I hate myself for it already.

„Hey Bells, whats wrong?" He put his arms around me and hugged me. My plan works out doesnt it.

„Nothing" I smiled a sad smile.

Damon sighed and looked into my eyes. „ You don't seem fine, tell me whats bothering you, I can help." I almost snorted, of course he can help me.

„I just... I really don't wanna talk about it" Damon didn't seem happy about it.

„Come on Bells lets sit down" I sat down and looked nervously at my hands. Him being so close to me smothers me. But I love it. It's like an addiction.

„Bella?"

„Hmm?" I looked up to see him searching my eyes with his.

„Do you like the party, have you eaten anything." Now i feel guilty, playing a sad person to get his attention.

„Yes, I have eaten and yes I like the party." My guilt starts to rise its ugly head. Why am I being so pathetic.

„You dont seem to be having a good time, how can I help." I have to stop this, he deserves better than that. He doesn't deserve me playing with his emotions like this. Its wrong. So I mustered up all my happiness.

„Really, I am fine. I was just deep in thought, thinking about school again. I have many.. emm.. tests tomorrow." Oh my dear lord, I sound like a complete nerd. But at least the guilt faded away.

„Okay, I was almost worried there. But okay then. I am glad to hear you´re fine. I´m gonna go now then, its Elenas favorite song. I´m gonna dance til she drops." He said smiling at me.

So that's how the mathematics work around here. I play sad, equals attention, equals guilt. I stop being pathetic, sad equals absolutely nothing. A big fat fucking zero.


	4. Chapter 3

After the party ended he offered to take me home. I gladly agreed, because Elena wasn´t going to join us. More quality time with Damon, somehow I can't get enough of it. No matter how much it burns me alive each time.

He opened the car door like a gentlemen and even that made me melt inside. I almost wanted to laugh out loud.

„Do you have anyone special in your sight?" I nearly choked, I wasnt even paying attention. When did the topic got that far?

„Emm.. What do you mean?"

„I mean, you have been in this town for a while and you have been single for a year now. Haven´t you got someone special in sight, aside from me." My heart stopped. Does he know? If that's the case then I will kill myself. Why does he have that knowing look in his eyes. Am I an open book? Can he read my mind? If its true I am gonna die, like literally die.

„Mh.." Well that's a nice caveman answer. Good job Bella. Ugh sometimes I wish I could stop the time and think of some witty answer. But no, I am not that lucky.

„No answer, heh?" he said laughing. I really hope I am not like an open book, because other ways I am screwed.

„You know Bella, I really appreciate that you spend time with my brother, because I know he is having a hard time. And I like the fact that you are his company and that he has someone to talk to."

„Stefan is nice company, even when he is having a hard time because of... well you know." Damon frowned. I think he feels guilty about his brothers heart ache. Even if he doesn't want to admit it.

„So how did you like the party Damon?" I tried to get his attention away from the dangerous topics. I don't want to slip up or look like I am dumb one here.

„It was okay, I guess.." I already saw that his mind was now elsewhere. I sighed, why am I not good enough for anyone. Edward didn't want me, Damon doesn't want me. And no one else doesn't even think about me like that. But even when I am damned to be forever alone, I appreciate Damons proximity. Even when my mind screams at me that he is toxic to my heart and soul.

„Here we are" I didn't even notice how fast the car drive went. I smiled at Damon and thanked him. He smirked again with the knowing look. I shuddered, I don't want him to know about my feelings. I don't want to feel like this.

I get out of the car and thanked him again. As he drove of, I felt a lonesome breeze in my heart. I want to be next to him, even when he is not mine.

„Hello Bella." I didn't turn around. I knew who it was even without looking. Damn...


	5. Chapter 4

I silently turned around. I felt my heart banging out of my chest. My eyes met his and I felt my whole world stop. My hands started shaking. And my mind was blank.

„Edward?" I whispered to myself. Almost like a confirmation that I am seeing what i´m seeing. This can't be, or can it? Did he really come back, for me?

„Bella..." he said, like he wanted to confirm it to himself, that I am who I am. That moment when he said my name, all Damon stuff was wiped out of my mind. He consumed me. He took over my body. And I was ready to forgive him all. I needed him...I needed someone to want me back. I just want to be happy. I miss that. I miss that more than anything in the world right now.

We just stood there, he didn't say anything. I wanted to say something, but what? I felt awkward, nervous and overwhelmed. Well, the good thing is that maybe just maybe, I wont be so lonely anymore. The bad news is, he seems a bit off. He doesn't talk, he is just watching me, waiting for my reaction. But I have nothing.

„How are you?" I finally asked. Dont judge me.. at least I am the one talking.

„Bella, I am so sorry. Everything that happened that night, was a big mistake and..." he went on and on about what happened. But I only heard one word „mistake". I felt.. I felt joy. I liked the feeling of someone in my soul. But at the same time I felt trapped again, like he and me will never happen. But still, it was someone who made my world go around again. And in that moment I felt alive again.

He had been quiet for a while. He looked at me, trying to penetrate his gaze through me. All I could do was to start crying. He put his hands around me and i wrapped my hands around him. tightly as I could, just in case to make sure he is real. He smelt different now, had darker eyes I didn't recognize. He used a new softer voice, like he didn't want to break me again.

...

We found a park bench in the middle of the night that fit us perfectly. We found jokes that made us laugh. We found memories that made me cry. He told me „You are beautiful" over and over again. When I had just ended crying, he said „You are beautiful." When I didn't want to hear it, he said „You are beautiful.". When I didnt believe it he said „You are beautiful.". He still thinks I am beautiful...

But...maybe I am not ready for him to walk back into my life. Maybe he is not ready to have me in his life. But...maybe this time he stays, maybe he shouldnt stay.

But right now he is right for me. I put all the maybe words to sleep. Right now I wanted to sleep next to him and feel wanted.


	6. Chapter 5

**Everyone needs a place. It shouldn't be inside of someone else. -Richard Siken**

My mom told me once that when I was born I looked around the whole hospital room with a stare that said: „This? I have done this before."

She says I have old eyes.

And yet, for someone who´s apparently done this already, I still haven´t figured anything out yet.

My knees still buckle every time I see Edward. My self-confidence can be measured out in teaspoons.

Edward being back seems impossible. But, I see the impossible every day. Vampires, Werewolves, Witches... I am trying so hard to connect in this world, trying to hold on to sanity while things are blowing up around me.

We talked hours and hours about me and how have I been. I liked the feeling that when I was speaking, Edward wasn´t just waiting for his turn to talk, he hears me. He consoles me, he says sorry over and over again. It turns out he felt exactly what I felt, when we were apart. We have that impossible connection.

I have seen the best of Edward, and the worst of him, and I choose both...

I heard my phone ringing in the next room. I reluctantly got out of bed. Leaving Edward behind me. But I never took my eyes off of him. He is mine. Forever.

„Yes" I smiled at Edward while answering the phone.

„Where the hell are you?" And in that moment I felt my whole blissful moment end. Right ... School.

„Hello Stefan, I just emm.. slept in" I said laughing. I was in such good mood and Stefan's bad mood could not affect me in any way right now.

„Well get in here, fast. Everybody was worried."

„I dont think I´ll be coming" I said laughing, because Edward was carrying me back to bed. „See you tomorrow or the day after that." I said while ending the phone call.

„I love you" Edward murmured to my ear.

„Love you more" And then he kissed me. Softly. With passion. I felt on top of the world.

Such a little thing really, a kiss... most people don´t give it a moment´s consideration. They kiss on meeting, they kiss on parting, that simple touching of flesh is taken for granted as a basic human right. But its much more. It is more than life.

Again the phone rang, but this time it wasnt mine. Edward also reluctantly searched his phone from his pockets. And when he saw the caller ID. His whole face fell. I tried to peek who it was, but I was too late. He was already up and walked to the corner of the room. As far from me as possible. That hurt.

He answered the phone. He just listened and looked at me with such pain and regret. My heart started pounding. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

When did the world get so complicated? Its like when we were kids, we used to just high-five each other. But now, as grown ups, we learn how to shake hands. You need a firm hand shake, but DON´T hold on too tight, but DON`T let go too soon, but DON`T hold on for too long. My god... HANDS are not about politics, when did it become so complicated? I always thought it´s simple to be a grown-up.

I opened my eyes. He ended the phone call.


End file.
